The Christmas Tree That Almost Wasn't

Well, we got a tree... actually we got the top of a tree.

Gary and I were walking along the road that passes the Christmas tree farm near our home and we noticed a large tree that had been cut down. It lay there for at least a week, maybe two, so I called the owner and asked if the tree was intended to go somewhere, but he said he cut it down because it was too big. I explained that we didn't want to cut down a tree because we would be gone by the time Christmas rolled around and it felt wasteful. "If that big tree is not going to be used, could we cut the top for our Christmas tree?" "Sure" he replied. "Merry Christmas!"

As soon as I hung up the phone, we drove down with a saw and a handful of cornmeal to offer a blessing of gratitude to the tree for the gift of its life. Gary found a good place to cut, noticing that the tree branched off several times and so had multiple "tops" making it less than perfect as a Christmas tree, but it still felt just right for us.

Several of our friends have chosen to switch over to artificial trees, citing various reasons: It is easier, and far less messy. You can leave it up as long as you want without any concern about fire dangers or messy needles from drying out branches. Environmentally speaking, you don't have to cut down a living tree. We considered all of this for a little while, but came back pretty quickly to wanting to stay with the tradition of securing a live Christmas tree for our home. 

The tradition is actually an ancient one, with roots in Pagan as well as Christian times. While I appreciate the history, I have to acknowledge that my appreciation is mostly personal. In the cold months when deciduous trees have lost their leaves, the sight and smell of pine trees lifts my spirits. This is true when I walk through the woods, and it is true when we bring a Christmas tree into our home. Some evenings I sit in the living room just drinking in the sight of our lit up and decorated tree, breathing deeply in an effort to take in as much of the piney scent as I possibly can. 

Gary and I almost didn't get a tree this year, but I am so glad that we did. The fact that we were able to give new life to a tree that would otherwise have spent its days lying in a field with no particular purpose, makes me feel even better. It kind of feels like this Christmas tree has something to teach me. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that it has two top branches between which our angel stands, or maybe it has to do with its having been rescued, redeemed from obscurity, in a sense? (Although that sounds pretty grandiose when I actually write it down.) Maybe it has to do with the need we felt to have a Christmas tree in our home for these darkening days approaching the Winter Solstice, despite the fact that we will be gone by Christmas itself? 

As I sort out the many emotions associated with this retirement year of "firsts" there seem to be a host of meanings that undergird every decision I make and every experience I have. Meanings that I cannot decipher in the moment, but which I hope might reveal themselves to me at some point in time moving forward. For the time being, I am just enjoying the peaceful beauty of this tree that almost wasn't, enjoying it's imperfect perfection, while trying to accept my own.

 

What Makes It Christmas?

Gary and I will be traveling for Christmas this year, spending it at my daughter and son-in-law's home. Having retired, I am no longer responsible for crafting a Christmas Eve Service. This in itself feels very strange to me. I am used to my holiday celebrations being shaped by the outside forces of work and responsibility. If I am honest, I actually enjoy this part of ministry. I enjoy creating meaningful experiences that help people come closer to the true meaning of Christmas and other celebratory days in the church year. 

There is such an outer pull from the world around us to celebrate in specific ways, ways that skim the surface of the season rather than taking us deeply into its heart. I have always been a person who wanted to go deeper. From the time I was a little girl, I have appreciated the mystery that surrounds Christmas. I loved the candlelight at the evening church service, singing Silent Night acapella and then feeling the hush in the darkness afterward as we walked out into the night, clutching our small candles.

Meister Eckhardt gave voice to this mystery for me, claiming, "unless the Christ is born within me, then it does not matter that he was born 2,000 years ago in a stable in Bethlehem." 

I find myself wondering what will bring the season home for me this year. We aren't getting our usual live Christmas Tree, thinking it doesn't make sense. In an effort at compensating, we bought a rosemary bush shaped like a Christmas tree, but it is really not the same.  I did make wreaths with my friend and hung ours on the door as usual, with a string of lights, so that is one tradition that remains the same. Gary and I set up our tiny creche that spins thanks to the warmth of candles arrayed around its base, and placed some pine boughs in a vase hoping that the scent would permeate the air a bit, too.

It is definitely not the same, and yet the differences are causing me to go deeper in my own thinking about what Christmas is really all about. We will gather with family, which for me is the heart of the holiday. I will most likely continue to write about how this all feels to me. My intention is to spend a fair amount of time reflecting on just how the Christ is being born both within and all around me. Maybe a good question to hold in mind is where is the Holy in this moment, in this experience, in this conversation?

Thanksgiving

Ten of us descended on my sister and brother-in-law's home for Thanksgiving this year. Sue's friends offered her sympathy when they heard this, commenting, "Oh, wow! You must be so stressed! That's a lot of people to cook for!" She responded saying, "no, I am not stressed at all. Everyone will pitch in. We will each do a little bit, so no one should have to stress." 

When she recounted her conversations to me I have to admit that I felt pretty blessed to know that Sue was right about our family. Everyone does help out, each in their own way whether that is with a special dish that they enjoy making (or eating), or in keeping the kitchen clean, or running out for milk at the last minute. 

Often Thanksgiving, or any large holiday meal for that matter, can take hours to prepare for, but only a brief flash of time to actually enjoy. I felt so grateful that when we sat around the table together we took our time. There was a lot of laughter. Stories were shared, and thoughts as well, about what we were grateful for. We reflected on past holidays when grandparents were still with us. In quieter moments, perhaps between two or three of us, we opened up about what was going on in our lives back home. We spoke of challenges and disappointments as well as accomplishments and joys. 

Although some of the memories shared brought a touch of sadness, the main feeling that permeated our gathering was a deep sense of appreciation and gratitude. No matter how difficult life can be, it is good to know that there are people who love you. There are people who have your back and who want the best for you. I left feeling very grateful, indeed.

Close Up & Big Picture Living

 

Gary and his sister Elizabeth are both artists. He is a poet and she is a potter, but they share the uncanny knack of seeing the world itself as art. When we walked in the woods the other day, they took turns pointing out designs in the bark of trees, patterns in the leaves on the forest floor and the intricacies of brightly colored lichens and mosses. For a seemingly gloomy day in between rain showers, they found plenty to see and plenty that delighted their observant eyes. 

I reflected back on our walk today, when I was feeling frustrated by the big picture problems in the world. I don't think I have to recount them for you, you probably have plenty of things that weigh you down without my adding to them. Reading the headlines in the New York Times is probably not a good way to start off my day with a spirit of gratitude or joy, but I do it anyway because I want to be a responsible citizen. I want to know what is happening in the world. The problem is, that if I let myself primarily focus on all that is wrong in the world, it becomes difficult to feel good about anything else. The big picture of bad news can overwhelm any sense of pleasure we might otherwise find in our everyday lives.

This is where Elizabeth and Gary's approach to a walk and to life comes in, though. If we take a mental break from the big picture of the world at large and turn our attention to some small, beautiful aspect of the present moment, it puts us in a better place to cope with the challenges life may bring. The small, beautiful thing we choose to pay attention to could be something no one else would ever notice like the interplay between dark and light on the bark of a pine tree. It could be something personally significant such as a sweet interaction with someone you love. It could be anything that gives your heart a little kick of joy. It does not have to make sense to anyone but you. You will know if it is working for you by how it makes you feel.

Our walk was nearing the end when Gary came to me and stretched out his hand. "Touch this" he said with something like awe in his voice, "it's so soft!" We gathered around and took turns touching the light as a feather clump of lichen or mosses in his hand, agreeing, "wow. It really is soft, and it is so light." 

As we made our way back to the house I felt lighter too. The gloominess of the day, the heaviness of an imperfect world were somehow counter balanced by the tiny beautiful gifts of our walk in the woods.

Ghosts that Haunt Me

This piece of writing is in response to a prompt I received from Mia Boynton, librarian at Monhegan, ME. Just in time for Halloween, she encouraged our writing group to craft a piece that reflects on one or more meanings of "haunt". Here is mine:

I have to confess that I am haunted by shoulda, woulda, coulda's ever since Holden Caulfield keyed me in to their existence. There are so many possibilities that might have been chosen, and being one person, I have only been able to manage one choice in each circumstance. But that doesn't mean I don't think about the others. So many choices and we only get to pick one! It doesn't seem fair, does it?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both,
And be one traveler, long I stood...

Sometimes I feel like I am still standing there with good ole Robert, looking as far down the road as I can, putting off the moment when I take my first step in the other direction. But it is true what they say about not making a choice actually being a choice, and so I know I did finally put one foot in front of the other. I did, finally, start walking down one path, although I confess to looking over my shoulder a bit.

I remember being shocked by a friend who said she never second guessed herself. When she made a choice, she never looked back. She just got on with it without giving even a thought to the options she had turned her back on. Wow, I felt so lost in that moment, lost in the forest of possibilities that torment me every time a choice is squeezed out of me.

The numberless unlived possibilities invade my thoughts like so many ghosts sometimes. usually on a day when I don't feel I have accomplished much. About four o'clock in the afternoon they push me to find something useful to do  before night closes in. Write a novel! Bake bread! Tend the garden! Make an amazing dinner! Compose a poem! Clean the bathroom! Do something, anything! - Quickly - before the ghosts get too comfortable and set up house.

In Situ

When the sun came out after a cloudy morning, I decided to take a walk. I love to feel the winds blowing and watch the leaves float through the skies. As I walked a variety of leaves of all colors and conditions caught my attention. Some drifted down to the dirt road, while others caught along the side of the road, landing on piles of their older neighbors. The phrase "in situ" came to me. It means "situated in the original place". 

I thought it would be interesting to take pictures of the leaves exactly where they fell, even if that meant a background of dirt and rocks or decaying brown vegetation. I found it meditative to walk along noticing but not moving anything as I recorded the truth of what was. Often the sunlight cast interesting shadows and patterns of light on the leaves, or the wind blew offering a new perspective in the moment.

As usual, what was going on outside of me caused me to reflect on my interior workings as well. How do I fit into my surroundings? What kind of contrasts do the colors, light and shadow create around me and within me? What does "in situ" mean for me as I feel my way into the next phase of my life? I don't have answers, although I enjoy writing as a way to explore thought-provoking questions. And maybe it is like the leaves I photographed today. Maybe each background against which we find ourselves offers a new perspective? Maybe there is something I can glean from each place in which I find myself, whether that's walking along the road, on my couch with a cat on my lap as I meditate, kneeling in the garden planting garlic, driving to town with NPR on the radio or sitting with the sun on my shoulder as I type out some thoughts?

 

Dinner Party

It has been a while. It has been a while since Gary and I gathered around a table with more than a couple of good friends or family members. Last night that changed. All of us agreed to coming only if we felt well, and were up to date on the available boosters against COVID. When we walked in the door and found ourselves embraced in long-delayed hugs, it felt like a homecoming. Back to ourselves. Back to friendships old and anticipated. Back to being in good company for an enjoyable evening.

The conversation may have begun with some sharing about bodies and minds that were showing the signs of age in various ways, but we quickly moved on to more interesting topics. We spoke of gardens and preserving the produce, of meaningful projects and the things that inspire us to press on and contribute to making our communities stronger and more resilient.

When dinner was served, we were directed to specific places chosen for us by the hostess. I found myself sitting near a woman whose life journey held some similarities to my own, and yet our paths were different enough to offer us both interesting avenues of conversation to explore. Throughout the meal, which was delicious, different topics popped up around the table, drawing each of us out and encouraging full participation in the exchange of ideas and insights. Many of us are involved in activism in a variety of venues within the larger community, so the sharing of our work and our perspectives was interesting. 

I have missed community like this. I have missed gathering around a table knowing there was much to explore and learn from with the others who were sitting there. Too often, and particularly during the past few years, we have restricted ourselves to the people we know well and with whom we are sure to agree. There is deep joy in being in circles where we feel loved and accepted and held. There is also joy in discovering new people with whom to engage in meaningful conversation, and people we may have known for a while but with whom we have not had the opportunity to go deep.

When we take risks, when we reach out and get to know people in new ways, when we embrace opportunities to stretch beyond our comfort zone, we are building community. I even believe we are taking on the challenging work of building a more whole and healthy world. It is amazing what a seemingly simple evening can bring to life.

End of Summer

This time of year brings me mixed feelings. I love the colorful autumn leaves - the orange and red maples that pepper the woods and line the meadow, and the yellow beeches that create a golden tunnel over and alongside the dirt road that leads to my home. It is truly breath-taking to be immersed in this cacophony of color, and I make a point of noticing, of taking it in whenever I can, often stopping along the roadside to snap a picture. But along with the colorful beauty, colder temperatures make it less and less comfortable to sit outside in the morning while I sip my tea and read. Today, there has been a steady cold rain that makes me think twice about going out for my daily walk.

Very soon, I will be indoors for the vast majority of the day rather than breezily moving between indoors and out with little thought. Before that happens though, we will extend the life of our vegetable garden and the flowers for a while longer. Before the sun sets on these cold nights, Gary and I drag old sheets and tarps down to the garden to cover the squash, peppers and tomatoes, hoping to get a few more weeks of fresh veggies before we have to let them go.

I am torn, considering the choice between being fully present in this moment, taking in the beauty that is here now, or trying to preserve what I can for the cold winter months. This morning, for instance, has been taken up with making applesauce with a heavy concentration of wild grapes thrown into the mix for extra flavor and a burst of rich, purple color. It will be so nice to open those jars in the midst of winter, when a taste of this season will be even more welcome than the samples I tasted today.

We can put some food by for the colder months, freezing the garden produce, drying herbs and canning this beautiful purple sauce, but we can't preserve the flowers and the colorful leaves, except in our mind's eye or with a camera. We all know that pictures really are not the same as being able to take in the full glory of a favorite flower in full bloom or the hills of Vermont at the peak of autumn. Knowing this can bring a bit of melancholy even to the most optimistic among us.

This gorgeous hydrangea bloomed for us recently. Fittingly enough, its varietal name is End of Summer. (Or is it Endless Summer, which is a whole different story and a whole different blog?) I don't really need another reminder that summer is over, but as reminders go, it is a beautiful one that I make sure to notice and appreciate every day. Speaking of which, it's about time I brought myself outside to take another look.

 

A Sense of Home

 

Gary and I just returned from visiting my daughters and their families, a trip I had been looking forward to all summer long. It is difficult living 12 or more hours away, and not being able to be a regular part of each other's lives in a natural give and take fashion. The distance means that our time together is "all or nothing". We share meals and space and time, which is wonderful on the one hand, and yet it can also be a bit much if we stay too long. Remember Ben Franklin's adage that fish and guests begin to stink after three days? Well, we push that limit, mostly because it takes so long to get there, but our hosts are wonderfully understanding.

Each time we visit, I long for an easier way to be closer. I take stock of the landscape as we drive, asking myself if I could live there, if I would be happy there. Maybe I could be, but I already have a life that I love, a place that I call home. Almost thirty years ago, when I moved to Vermont I felt my roots grow deep down into the soil here. 

Every time I cross the border back into Vermont it happens. It is a physical response that reminds me I am home. A speaker came to the small town where I live once, soon after we had moved here and said, "when you think about home, it doesn't matter where you were born. What matters is where you plan to live out your days. Where you plan to die." That felt true to me, someone the locally born folks were wont to call a "flatlander." I might have been born somewhere else, but this is my true home.

My history makes it all the more complicated that I miss my daughters so deeply. All I can figure out is that my heart must have more than one home. Putting truth to that, tomorrow Gary and I will drive up to Maine, anticipating a week on an island that also claims a piece of my heart, an island that also feels like home to me. My sense of home there has to do with the ocean and trails through pine forests, with glorious sunsets and growing friendships. 

Truth be told, I often feel like I have left little bits of me here and there. Parts of me stay here in Vermont full time, while bits of me hunker down in other places that have touched my heart, and, of course there will always be parts that hang around with those whom I love. Maybe that is just the way it is when home is made up of several places, and people too?

Rainy Day Respite

It's a rainy day in late August. Despite the fact that there is much I had hoped to accomplish today, I find it important in this moment to just sit here sipping my tea. The raindrops slipping down my window in their slow, steady way remind me that not everything needs to happen quickly.

Sometimes I need an excuse, like the rain, to stop, to sit, to rest a bit. It seems strange that I often don't just give that gift of time to myself. Some of us need the choice to be wrested from our hands before finally breathing a sigh of relief and pausing our frantic busy-ness.

I meditate each day and have been for years now. The funny thing, though, is how some days I hear the ending gong of my meditation exercise only to realize I have been thinking of other things the entire time. It is really difficult to slow ourselves down, and even if we manage to stop the outer activity for awhile, our brains tend to keep right on plowing ahead with thoughts, plans and worries.

With the rain, I give myself permission to read a little longer than usual, getting caught up in the world of my latest book. Joseph Campbell once said reading a book for pleasure is like giving the mind a much-needed vacation. I wholeheartedly agree. Some of us have minds that are too busy to relax on their own. Reading gives our persistently anxious minds a chance to rest. For me, reading is a cozy rainy day for the mind. 

Diverting Conversation

Today my husband, Gary, and I drove to the end of Spruce Knob Road so we could take a walk on different section of it than we usually do. We parked in a small pull-off across from a field that had recently been hayed. Round bales lay in a haphazard fashion, and an old tractor was parked on the edge of the field near the road. Over the expanse, clouds, puffy and white piled up on top of one another and seemed to be constructed with an eye to setting off the deep blue of the sky. It was a beautiful August afternoon.

When we walk we are often torn between having a deep discussion about something that is on our minds or being quiet so that we can better take in our surroundings. Today felt like a day for silence to me. The beauty of the sky and the fields, the trees in their full summer greenery and the occasional bird flitting by demanded all of my attention.

After we had walked for a while, we came to a stream which had hardly any water. It was unusual to see it so dry, and Gary commented on the news he had read. "Some of the major rivers in Europe are drying up, and out in the Western US they are talking about diverting the Mississippi river to supply water to the drought-stricken Southwest."

I didn't really want to talk about it. Honestly, I didn't want to think about it either. I couldn't help remembering Mary Evelyn Tucker's comment nearly 20 years ago now at a Yale symposium I attended on climate change and the church. She said something to the effect that, if we didn't preach about climate change and encourage our churches to do something make a difference now, then we would be forced to talk about it soon enough because the results of it would become evident and catastrophic.

Well, things do feel pretty catastrophic, and despite the beauty of my surroundings, anxiety zips through my mind. I know there are many small things I can do to help ease the situation, and I do as many of them as I can manage. But I also know that real change will only happen when good, environmentally responsible decisions are made at the national and international levels. 

This means we need leaders who understand the issues and are willing to do what is right, despite the political fallout. This means helping our leaders find their way back to values like honesty, integrity and working for the good of all people and all inhabitants of the earth. It can be discouraging, to see how wealthy businesses and individuals continue to pursue financial gain rather than looking to do what is right for the whole. 

People ask me, "How can we deal with the frustration? How are we supposed to handle the anxiety and the stress all of this brings to our lives?" For me the answer lies in spending time in the natural world every day, even if I am just sitting on my porch for a little while. It means breathing in the air and paying attention to whatever is there - birds flying across my line of vision or a bee buzzing around my lunch, a lush garden of flowers or weeds poking up out of the sidewalk, clouds rolling up from the distant hills or a a trickling stream, my cat pushing at my hand for attention. 

Breathing in, I take in the freshness, the reality of this moment in time. Breathing out, I release the things that trouble me. I do this as long as it takes, until I feel a bit calmer, a little more prepared for my day. And then I stand up and put my hands and my heart toward whatever is next, whatever is needed of me.

Theater in the Woods

"Theater in the Woods" is a tradition of long-standing in our little Vermont town. It began as a part of a larger festival that featured workshops and speakers about solar energy and homesteading practices along with music and a celebration of the arts. The plays were written by local folks including children's book author Frank Asch, and usually had a moral to them that reminded the audience how to care for the earth, or how to treat one another with kindness. Although the festival is no longer, the theater that was a part of it has continued. It has grown into a popular summer camp for children and teens, run by many of the people who starred in the original performances back in the day, carrying a wonderful continuity of purpose and joyful connection.

On the final day of each session, the campers and staff put on a play that travels to a variety of locations in the neighboring meadow and orchard. The audience troops good-naturedly through the fields, along trails, with special accommodations made for those with mobility issues. We all follow the lead of a colorful larger than life puppet, squeezing in close to the action at each location, the better to hear and see. Before the performance, the camp's director, Melissa Chesnut-Tangerman commented that the play they chose this year was a wordy one, making it challenging for the actors to learn all of their lines in the brief time they had together. As a group they came to the conclusion that it was the process that was important to them, and not the end result of a flawless performance.

As the play unfolded, this intention became clear to those of us in the audience. The actors supported one another, covering for each other so well and smoothly that it was difficult to pick up on any glitches of memory. The meaning of the play came through when one of the main characters used her wish to grant a gift to her newfound friend rather than for personal riches. Her action, and the cast's true ensemble spirit brought home the message that community, and supporting one another are values that make for a good life.

My hope is that all of us - actors and audience - brought home with us this message. Each of us has it within us to make the world a better place, one choice at a time, one action at a time, one person at a time.

For more info, see: Theater in the Woods 

Butterfly Peace & Power

This beautiful creature landed at my feet as I drank my early morning mate' on the porch. She sat in front of me for a long time, allowing me to take pictures and enjoy a companionable silence. After a while I went back to my reading, checking the New York Times, actually. As I took in the news, my unexpected guest provided a helpful counter-balance to the headlines, reminding me that the world is not just one thing. It is not just a place where 10 year old girls are raped but unable to terminate the pregnancy in peace and privacy in order to lessen the inevitable trauma of the situation. It is not just a world in which children and persons of color are gunned down at the whim of a fanatic with a ridiculously aggressive gun. And not a world in which the climate is changing but we are unwilling to challenge the oil and coal industries.

No, the butterfly reminded me. This is also a world in which beauty exists, and sometimes we don't even have to look very hard to see it. This is a world of serendipitous visitations by fragile-winged emissaries. This is a world where peace is possible. I know, because I felt peace when that butterfly landed at my feet this morning. I felt peace when the summer breeze blew the wind chimes and when I listened to the birds singing.

Small moments of peace and beauty might not seem like much when measured against the challenges "out there" in the world, and often the challenges in our own lives as well. But these small moments of peace provide the foundation upon which greater things are possible. Scientist Edward Lorenz made the discovery that even a tiny, almost immeasurable change in conditions could alter the weather in the long term. Surprised, he commented that if a butterfly flaps its wings it could ultimately cause a tornado. This led to the popular theory known as "The Butterfly Effect", and to the dream that even the small things we are capable of doing as individuals and small groups can make a big difference.

Even if we believe that our actions or words might make a difference for good, it still takes effort to keep on showing up for peace and for justice. Working against the formidable forces at work in the world is difficult. Greed, white supremacy, power and the fear which I believe is at the heart of these ills, are not easy to face down. But maybe this is where we need to consider my morning guest. Rather than feeling as if we are starting from scratch, how can we emphasize and build on the peace that is already present in our lives? How can we spread it out a little further each time it shows up? 

God, Love & Truth

"God, Guns and Trump" is emblazoned on a barn that I have to drive by frequently. The flag first went up when the 2020 election was in full swing, but it is still hanging there and I can't help but see it as a threat to the democracy and the faith that I hold dear. 

The whole idea that God has anything to do with guns or with promoting a particular political candidate disgusts me, and I am speaking as a Christian, as a pastor of 38 years. Jesus was a pacifist who refused to seize power through force or any underhanded methods. Satan tempted him with power and authority over the nations of the world when Jesus was fasting in the wilderness. Jesus said "no" in very clear terms. He refused to make any deals with the devil even if the deal seemed to promote things that Jesus was working toward. 

Peter wielded a sword in Gethsemane, cutting off the ear of a Roman soldier who had come to arrest Jesus. Jesus told Peter to put his sword away. Scholars think that a part of Judas's frustration with Jesus was that he did not raise up an army to fight the Roman oppressors. Some of them say that Judas was trying to force Jesus's hand when he betrayed him to the authorities, wrongly assuming that Jesus would finally turn on them and fight.

Jesus's messages centered on Love, not violence. Yes, he did expect to win over the world and all of the earthly and political powers that were and are, but he expected to do so through the power of Love. He did not threaten his enemies with physical violence, but rather with the power of God, whom he saw as the God of Love. Jesus turned the world's understandings upside down. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you," (Matthew 5:43-44)

We are in challenging times, times in which love is being pushed to the side as not being a strong or effective force. We live in times when honesty is seen as a quaint character flaw of the naive rather than the central characteristic of a good person. We live in times when the idea of fairness has been subverted to mean, "if I have the power or the money, I can do whatever I want no matter who it crushes underfoot in the process." But I want to go on record saying that this attitude is not Christian. The end never justifies privilege-bought, deceitful or violent means, even if the end is something you think God wants. 

God's ways are not our ways. God has the power to work through Love and does not need our guns or dishonest politics in order to win the day. In fact, if you are not honest; if you need to resort to violence, then you have most likely strayed from the Way laid out by Jesus.

My prayer is that we can find our way back to a Christian faith that honestly reflects the values that Jesus embodied throughout his entire life.

    

Cherries & Mindfulness

Yesterday morning I spent  a couple of hours picking cherries at the orchard near my home. I love tart cherries and try to stock my freezer with them each summer so we can enjoy them in the winter. Rarely in the past have I ventured out on a Saturday. During my working life Saturdays were spent preparing for Sunday worship services. Oh, sure, I might take an hour or so to hike or swim (or ski) with Gary or a friend, but for the most part I found it difficult to relax and actually pay attention to something that was not related to Sunday morning.

It was amazing, then, to wake up yesterday realizing I had the time to not only pick cherries, but also to use my little gadget to pit them while they were still firm, making that task a whole lot easier to accomplish. Cherries pretty much took up my entire day. There was something freeing about spending all that time focused on one simple intention of filling the freezer with a taste of summer's tart sweetness. 

I have always enjoyed taking time to prepare good meals for my family from scratch, to keep a vegetable garden, and to make bread, yogurt or kombucha when I could. No matter what I was doing though, whether home and family-related or work-related, it often felt as if I was stealing the time away from something else. When I was still in college a missionary couple stayed on campus for their sabbatical and spent time teaching and talking about their experiences overseas. One piece of wisdom they imparted to me was, "don't let the urgent take place of the important." This bit of advice tends to pop into my mind when I stress about not doing some urgent-seeming something.

Too often, we let the urgent rule our days, and sadly there are times when we never get to the things that are important. Overall, I manage to maintain a pretty decent balance in the choices I make, but yesterday's cherry immersion showed me that there is more for me to learn in this regard. I felt the difference between doing something I loved with absolute freedom, versus doing it while another responsibility lingered in the back of my mind. Although I have practiced meditation for several years now, and even taught it, the mysteries of mindfulness continue to unfold, offering new insights at each turn. There was a different quality to my ability to focus yesterday which I long to experience more often. 

A little book I read a long time ago, whose title and author I do not recall, told the story of a monk new to monastery life who was charged with making bread. He had started mixing, adding raisins to the dry ingredients, when a senior monk told him they were making plain bread that day so he needed to pick out the raisins. The new monk started to protest, saying it would take too much time. The senior monk calmly reminded him it didn't really matter what he did to occupy his hands, that what was important was what occupied his mind and heart. He could pray and meditate whether he was taking raisins out of flour or mixing the ingredients together. 

No matter what I do today, or any day, I hope that I can embody this good advice, and be fully present in the process of whatever activities make up my day.

 

Retired!

This is the first day of my retired life. It is pretty exciting to finally take the step I have been contemplating for awhile now! In The Summer Day poet Mary Oliver asks, "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" This question has been haunting me. I feel that there is something inside of me that wants to come out, but I don't know what it is. I sense that it needs me to create time and space where it will feel welcomed and safe, where it can stretch its wings a bit and let them dry before attempting to take flight. 

Karen Walrond, author of The Lightmaker's Manifesto, in conversation with Brene Brown, said it is important to create space in your life, to not just get restless, but to get bored! As I listened to their conversation I started to recognize that I am very familiar with getting restless when I take time off from the normal routines of my life, and that my restlessness usually pushes me to get active again pretty darn quickly. It is rare that I allow myself the freedom to actually get bored. Even on vacation, I often bring along a pile of books I plan to read, or work on some writing. I was nervous about retiring and leaving behind a job that was meaningful to me, one through which I felt I was contributing to the community in a positive way. Sure ministry can be anxiety producing, but it also has aspects that are deeply fulfilling and rewarding. Still, after 39 years of parish ministry, I knew it was time. It was time for me to prioritize this other calling that kept tugging at me, the one that Mary Oliver's words reminded me of.

One of my favorite places in the world is an island off the coast of Maine where my husband and I have been going for eight years now, often twice a year. When people ask me what I will do there, my usual response is "I will hike the trails and sit by the sea watching the waves, the seals and the birds." And that is what I do, I sit for extraordinarily long periods of time observing and even becoming a part of the scenery. I realized that this is what I need to do now. I need to simply be present where I am, letting the peace of the place (no matter where I find myself) settle into my bones.

Eventually, whatever is next will start to show itself, but until then I will be trying to get comfortable with any restlessness that emerges. Until then, I will keep breathing deeply, practicing those meditative techniques and prayerful approaches to life that have anchored me through the years. I will be waiting for boredom to take hold, and, hopefully, welcoming it as a true gift.